Couple Conflict
Leamington Spa, Warwickshire
Conflict doesn't always lead to damage. It has been found that challenge and disagreement can encourage growth, deep understanding, improved communication and progress towards a goal. However, if there are perpetual disagreements or unresolvable relationship conflicts that are not dealt with, they can turn into relationship killing dreadlocks that frequently come to the surface and cause more emotional distancing every time. Perpetual disagreements don't have to derail your relationship if you have an adequate set of communication skills.
Most unresolvable relationship conflicts involve differences of opinion rather than do-or-die moral issues. Don't try to argue your partner into changing how they feel. Listen and acknowledge each others point of view. Try and understand what the unresolvable conflict is with your partner and explore the metaphors behind 'who hasn't put the recycling out', 'or cleaned the kitchen', or 'loaded the dishwasher the way you want it to be done'. There are usually key issues that bely the real meaning and are only a part of the real story. 'Everything I do is wrong', 'I am fed up of the same unresolvable arguments' and the 'wasted energy of putting the bins out etc'. This spills out into never helping out, don't do it as I do it and consistent revolving door issues building up more and more resentments.
We experience conflict when we disagree or our needs and expectations aren't being met. Relationships are complex and despite all our best efforts we will have disagreements leading to hurt feelings, saying or doing the wrong thing and then all out battles over who is right.
Conflict is a natural by product of throwing two people together, each with their own complexities, idiosyncrasies and expect them to live with eternal peace. It's a time to reflect on our communication skills and try and make sense of them. However, conflict can be positive and lead to one partner being open to change, being direct and confronting the problem head on thus benefiting the relationship.
So, as I mentioned, there are low-level disagreements eg who loads the washing machine to arguments with higher stakes. If we can understand and process the type of conflict we face then seeing patterns are invaluable. There is also something called 'couple fit' which is looking at why we end up with our partner. There are conscious and unconscious reasons behind this ie we find them funny, attractive, having emotional intelligence however if one partner struggles with conflict or confrontation we may unconsciously look to our partner to do that for us.
The specifics of our relationship dynamics, attachment styles and what we bring to the table can help us to understand the constant bickering and how to stop it.
Common Conflicts:- Miscommunication
- Jealousy
- Betrayal Trauma
- Mismatched expectations
- Problematic Behaviour
- Finances
Creating and sustaining a healthy relationship is both worthwhile and attainable. Navigating conflict is a multi faceted journey, needing empathy, open communication and self awareness. Conflict doesn't have to be a roadblock as it can lead to growth and a deeper connection but sometimes couple conflict is a source of great unhappiness and resentment. Maybe we are not singing from the same hymn sheet, have differing needs and expectations and hopes and fears. Here there needs to be change by compromise, finding a middle ground and an acceptance that difference is positive and its often about accommodating difference. We don't have to agree to be in a win win place.
I hope I have shown the many sides to couple conflict. Our default position is to go to a place where conflict is never positive. However, I feel that, I have communicated that healthy conflict is an important part of any relationship. It is possible to change patterns of conflict if there is a willingness by both partners to explore where their style originates from and that there is a relationship that can both survive and thrive.